Archive for the ‘body language’ Category

Does Your Body Language Mumble?

Monday, September 1st, 2008

Learn to spot what the other side's body language is telling you during a negotiation

Ah body language, the secret communications channel that we couldn’t turn off if we wanted to. When we are negotiating it’s important to remember that your body is giving off all sorts of signals that you may or may not want it to be sending. I’m not sure if you can prevent your personal body language from stuttering or mumbling like you can your spoken words, but the good news is that you are not the only one talking this way. The other side is also giving you many clues as to what they are thinking and what their next move might be. If you are attuned to watch for and read the other side’s body language, then you just might find yourself in the driver’s seat for this negotiation. Let’s see if we can decode some of the messages that are being sent your way:

  • Key point: it’s when there is change in someone’s gestures that we should take notice. When they start to make a new gesture, that indicates that they have just started to feel someway. Don’t get hung up by individual gestures, rather focus on groups of gestures – they are the ones that are really telling you a story.
  • Our (and their) attitude is formed by initial interaction with people. We quickly form an attitude of openness or attitude of defensiveness. Keep your eyes open and pick up on these initial body gestures when you first meet the other side.

Let’s talk about some single gestures. Remember, don’t fret about these if you see them individually, it’s when you see them in groups that they are really sending you a message:

  • Cooperation & agreement: Gestures that expose the body imply trust, communicate “yes” , obvious and meant to be seen. Arms away from the body or over the head are a good example of this.
  • Slow & deliberate gestures: Open hands: show a willingness to meet the situation. Uncrossed arms and legs are another good example of this.
  • Moving forward: in negotiations we really like to see these gestures because they indicate that we’re going to make some progress – Hands on hips , feet apart. Often the signs of a high achiever, or a go-getter who wants to reach a negotiated agreement.
  • Hands on chest , this is a way to reinforce sincerity
  • Rubbing palms , shows both eagerness & expectancy
  • Appraisal & interest: there are a lot of ways to show this, one of the more common is when the head is tilted.

  • Hand to cheek gestures: Chin in hand, finger along bottom , evaluating what we are saying: interest, calm evaluation; Stroking the chin , making a decision about what you are saying
  • Interest In The Conversation: more interest , leaning forward you , I’m with you; less interest , leaning back, away from you.
  • Confidence: good eye contact, steepling with fingers , higher up from lap, more confidant (up by the eyes , too confidant!), hand in packet w/ a finger out , confidence, hands laced behind the head , confidence, legs crossed also means they are feeling quite smug.

There you have it – a laundry list of body gestures that you can look for during your next negotiation. Remember that the other side is probably going to be focused on the actual steps in the negotiation and may not be working to pick up on your body language. If so, you’ve just found a great advantage that just might help you to come out ahead!

Have you ever observed someone’s body language during a negotiation and then used that information during the negotiation? Has your body ever given away information that you wished that it hadn’t? Leave a comment and let me know what you think.

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Posted in body language, communications, deals, planning, strategy | No Comments »

Body Language Skills That Women Don’t Know About

Thursday, August 28th, 2008

Body language is a persuasion skill that women need to learn to use as a part of negotiating

Negotiating is simply a form of specialized communication. We’ve mentioned that persuasion is the flip side of negotiation – the non-verbal communication skills that go along with negotiation’s spoken words. Body language – what our bodies are telling the other side, is a key part of this persuasion skill. What’s interesting is that men seem to do a better job of using their persuasion skills than women do as a part of any deal making. Why is this? I’m sure that psychologists would have a lot to say about it; however, let’s just assume the root cause is how we were all brought up. Boys have been taught to do everything possible to win – no holds barred while girls are taught that there are boundaries that should not be mixed or crossed. Let’s see what we can do about straightening this all out…

As we start the 21st century with its global workforce, new competitors, and changing workplace rules, I believe that persuasion skills are the one set of skills that will set the high achievers apart from everyone else. Some people are just born with a natural ability to communicate well with everyone they meet. The rest of us have to work at it. Just to make things even more complicated, I’m here to tell you that it’s still a “man’s world”. Men still run businesses and most of us are working for a man either directly or somewhere in our management chain. As a man, this is great news for me because I know how to communicate with men. I’ve been around men all my life and they communicate exactly the same way I do. However, it’s not always so easy for women to talk to men , both in the workplace and in your personal lives. Let’s solve that problem. I’m going to give you the skills that you need to understand what both men and women are really telling you and I’m going to show you how you can clearly communicate your message to them at the same time.

Now I’ve got a confession to make – earlier in my career I got canned, fired, walked to the door, call it what you will, you get the point. I’d like to say that I’m a master communicator and that I knew that this was coming; however, that’s not the case. This firing completely blind-sided me. I did not see it coming. Now I thought that I was very good at reading people; however, I was not looking in the right places and that’s one of the reasons that I got taken by surprise. Since then I have honed my people skills so that I never again get surprised: now I am much better at telling what someone is really thinking and I don’t get confused by their words. This is the skill that I’m going to be passing on to you. To get things started, let’s talk about body language. We all know what this is, but how often do we remember to use it in every conversation that we have?

To get started, you need to changed your thinking about every conversation that you have each day. Think about each conversation that you have as being like having three simultaneous phone calls going on with the person that you are talking to: your words, your tone, and your body language. This understanding is important because not only do you need to understand what other people are saying to you, you also have to understand that you are sending multiple messages simultaneously when you speak to others. What is your body language saying about you?

We ignore these gestures because we are so self-involved in what we are saying and trying to listen to what the other person is saying. A quick word of caution: a single isolated gesture is like a single word , doesn’t mean anything unless you put it in context in which it is being used. Just because someone is tugging on their ear when they are talking to you, does not necessarily mean anything! When studying body language, a key point is that it’s when there is change in someone’s gestures that we should take notice. When they start to make a new gesture, that indicates that they have just started to feel someway.

We’re going to start by discussing which single gestures express an attitude or emotion. They are very different and it’s important that you can tell them apart. Next we’ll group these gestures into more complex groups and then show you how to unravel their meaning. Finally, we’ll talk about what to do with the insights that you’ll gain from this new awareness. Knowledge is good, but if you don’t know what to do with it, then it won’t be of any help to you.

Where did I get all of this wonderful information? Its been picked up from watching and observing my coworkers over time & doing lots & lots of reading on the subject. We all need to realize that in any negotiation situation the non-verbal communication is as important as words being used. Next time we’ll dive in to the details of what to look for and what it means…

Do you read the body language of others when you are negotiating with them? Do you think that your body language is giving off clues as to how you feel that you don’t realize? Do you work with anyone who is a master body language reader? How did they get that way? Leave a comment and let me know.

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Posted in art of negotiation, body language, communication skills, persuasion | 2 Comments »